I didn’t get lazy and just didn’t write a new article this week, I just haven’t seen a new movie. To hold my little gaggle of readers over, I will probably just review an old bad movie while trying not to step on BadBlogAboutBadMovie’s feet. I’ll write that shit later though, because it’s fucking 3 am.    

First of all, look at that fucking terrifyingness. If you think this movie is racist, look into his eyes and tell him that, because he will smack the stupid out of you. 

Now that the unpleasantness is out of the way, welcome back to my little blog about movies (implied smiley face)! I figured that I would come back with a bang and there is no possible way to do that better than to start with a goddamn Tarantino picture.  Now, we all know that when you buy a Tarantino ticket, you are going to get one jive-ass movie, but I didnt expect to get one hell of an action movie as well.  Now, that may sound a little odd, since we are talking about the one and only Tarantino, but we can all admit that Inglorious Basterds was a little on the wordy side. Dont get me wrong, I do love that movie, but the trailers seemed to promise a little more Nazi scalping that I was given.  I feel like Tarantino movies need to have dialogue scenes and action scenes and things tend to move smoother if there are more action scenes. I could be wrong, however, since Basterds was, and the key word there is was, his most critically successful picture to date.

 As much as I enjoy that movie, I would say the best thing that came out of it was Christoph Waltz, and goddamn is he back with a vengeance in Django.  Playing Dr. King Schultz, he almost steals the whole movie, and this is a movie FILLED with big players. Now, in past reviews, I gave a lot of writing time to explaining each picture, so I am going to attempt to cut that down a tad, so let me just give a rundown.  Django is played by Jamie Foxx, who has an Academy Award, Calvin Candie is played by Leonardo DiCaprio, who I think does and if he doesnt, he could very well get one here, Stephen, who’s picture is at the top of this page is of course played by Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson, and in the background there are tons of little character actors who add fun to the movie. I nearly jumped when Tarantino, who always shows up, appeared next to the grandfather from Red State.  Anyway, I would say that you can cut this movie into 3 parts, with the first part being conquered by Waltz in a beautiful performance. The second half goes to DiCaprio, who is just a royal asshole but a damn fun one to watch, and the last part goes to Foxx, who kicks ass, shoots dicks, and has an amazing(ly bloody) shootout to rap music.  

Now, so far this movie has made back its money and it is expected to hit 150 million domestically, which places it higher than Basterds, which I think it deserves. This movie clocks in at almost 3 hours long and it holds you by the balls the entire time.  It is funny, filled with action and gore, and it never stops until credits.  It is an amazing satire of 70’s Black and Western movies, which is not surprising as Tarantino loves those genres.  Now, there has been controversy because the movie is filled with uses of the word “nigger”, but it is all done because of the time period. Tarantino does not like to lie, and leaving out that word would be falsifying the past.  Frankly, I see nothing wrong with it, the people I saw the movie saw nothing wrong with it, and Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson said its ok, so I think some people need to relax and enjoy the show, but that’s just my opinion, and also in my opinion, I think this is one of Tarantino’s best. He is like fine wine, he gets better when you drink a lot and have fun…and he gets better with time too. 

I give Django Unchained 10 out of 10 shots to the groin

Pro’s
+ Perfect cast
+Perfect performances, of which I think are Oscar worthy
+Hilarious script which holds your attention
+Tarantino

Con’s
- It is long….that’s it I guess 

As most of you know, well…they ones of you who are reading this anyway, I have had a pretty busy half a year.  I moved 900 miles back to my hometown, I am studying to be a teacher, and I am now engaged. Some things had to fall to the wayside, like studying and getting a job and writing on this thing, but now that things are settling down and I can actually go see movies with Maddie and my friends Andy, who runs badblogaboutbadmovies on here, and Kourtnea, who needs to get her shit together and write like the other cool kids, I will attempt to get this started again. Don’t get your expectations too high though, I am a fickle god of my tumblr domain 

Just to let everyone know, I have not forgotten about this…yet. There simply hasnt been a new movie out to peek my interest AND I have been busy getting ready to move across the country. 

However, come Friday, there will* be a Batman review



*if i can get tickets 

Shit…did I spoil the review? Yeah, I probably did, but fuck it, I absolutely love this movie. I gotta admit, I went in not expecting much, but I also went in kinda blind. All I knew what it was starring pre-Thor…guy who plays Thor, and a bunch of people I havent seen before (except the bad guy from Billy Madison, which prompted me to say, to nobody, “Holy shit, its the villain from Billy Madison!”), and that it had been pushed back like a year, which is never a good thing. Not once has a company been like “Well, we have this thing that will make us a lot of money and its kinda just sitting on the shelf…leave it there, we will use it eventually, I guess”, so I went in thinking that this was a quiet release of a not-so-good movie, that way they wouldnt be completely in the can for production costs. So, in retrospect, WHY DID NO BODY SAY THAT THIS WAS WRITTEN BY JOSS MOTHERFUCKING WHEDON?! Yeah, you know, the Buffy-guy, the Doctor Horrible guy, the GODDAMN AVENGERS-GUY. That would have sold some more fucking tickets, right?! To be fair, this movie did pretty solid at the box office, but still, come one. That’s like having a movie star Johnny Depp, but they never mention it in the trailer, instead focusing on the fact that it was filmed in…that analogy lost its train of thought, so I aborted the joke, but you see what I fucking mean. This film was written by one of the best writers in the business, and they never mentioned it. FOR SHAME. 

Ok, for all intents and purposes, this movie is a loving tribute to the horror movies of old, but with modern twists. No, it is not a spoof. Loving. Tribute. Do you see the difference? Good. Now, I am not going to spoil this movie at all, so no synopsis this time. Two reasons. A: It would take a lot of time, this movie covers a lot of subject matter and frankly I dont think that I am good enough to cover it all, and B: This movie is so much fun to watch and be surprised with that I would be doing the makers of this movie and you a great injustice by robbing you of that. So, instead, I want you to promise me that you are going to go out and buy, not torrent, this movie in September, and go and show it off to all your friends. BY READING THIS BLOG YOU HAVE SIGNED AN AGREEMENT TO DO SO. This movie is so lovingly crafted it that it is unfathomable. It is funny, witty, smart, a little sexy, and just enough jumps to keep you on the edge of your seat. The characters are intelligent and play with the traditional tropes of the genre, but never are outright props. The tributes to classic horror movies are sprinkled on with tender care, and the feeling you get when you see them is just one of awe. Do you get it? This is a perfect movie. Every little detail is not only covered, but glazed with this nerdy awesomeness and love that only Whedon could deliver. The trailers did get something right, though. One reviewer called this movie “A Game-changer” and that is perhaps the most important thing about this movie. I judge movies on many things, but one of the most important aspects about a film or movie is staying power. How long does the experience stay with you? Do you talk about it? Do you recommend it? Well, ‘Cabin in the Woods’ did just that for me. Every horror movie I watch, from now until the day I die, will remind me of this movie. It not only played with the tropes of horror movies, but it became one as well. The main plot of this movie can be layered into every horror movie ever, and that is genius. Yes, this movie is genius. 

I know that this review is shorter than the others, and the lack of a synopsis lends to that, but it is also short because I have no complaints or negative reviews about it. I meant what I said earlier. It is a genuinely perfect movie, or at least it is for me. It is so smart and witty and delicately crafted. It is perfect. It is genius. I cannot wait to own this movie. 

Pros
+The writing is the star of the show.  
+The actors play with the words and the situations so well (one specifically, you’ll know when you watch it)
+The effects, while not the best ever, are pitch-perfect with the style of the movie.
+All of the nods and winks to classic horror

Cons
-I dont own it yet.

I give ‘Cabin in the Woods’ the coveted 10 Kevin’s out of 10 

Yeah, you read that title right. I actually enjoyed the reboot of ‘Spider-Man’, and while that may seem like it is a Scarlett (Spider) Letter right now, I ask of the people who just hate this movie because it is a reboot of a not-so-old series this, “Did you actually see this movie?” Yeah, I hate reboots too, but if you are going to do it, this is a pretty solid way to do so. 

Ok, so I really dont need to do too much of a synopsis because everyone knows Spider-lore, which is one thing I did find a bit irritating. I felt as if they felt the need to explain everything. Yes, if you are going to start fresh, show us Peter Parker getting the powers, but it takes an hour, and this is a 2 hour movie, of watching before we actually see Spider-Man in his costume. That is pushing it a little. Anyway, Pete’s parents die when he’s a kid, he has to live with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben (who I am fairly sure are his grandparents, right? I need to look into that. I am just saying, they are always way too old to be uncles and aunts), and lives the life of a geek in high school. I did like that he is actually a bit of a nerd this time around. He always has been in the comics, but I felt as if the Raimi versions missed that aspect, which was is kind of a big deal. He is known for his quips, and he actually has those this time around. Good job, writing team. Pete goes through his father’s stuff and finds out that he was a scientist who was working on gene-splicing with animals. Convenient, but such is the story of a comic-book movie. Pete sneaks into a tour of Oscorp (OHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIT), where the main colleague of his father works. Enter Dr. Conners and his main intern, Gwen Stacy (rather convenient, again…), and the scene where Pete gets bitten after just kind of walking into a secret room, but nobody seems to mind. Conners is continuing the work that he and Mr. Parker were working on, but he is missing some algorithm or something. Gwen and Pete flirt and pretty much become a couple, Pete takes his father’s notes to Conners, Uncle Ben gets killed, end of act one. Act two is basically Conners becoming THE LIZARD RAWR after experimenting with the SUPER SPECIAL SERUM and injecting himself with it. Also, this is not so much his fault, some dude working at Oscorp (OHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIT) made him do it. Not exactly the best safety regulations, Oscorp. I’m going to keep this brief, because you should watch this in theaters, it’s actually pretty good looking. Conners goes on a rampage, Parker becomes Spider-Man, fighting, cute scenes with Gwen and Peter, Gwen’s dad is the Police Chief and he hates Parker and Spidey, fighting, Spidey and Police Chief team up to defeat THE LIZARD RAWR, Chief dies and tells Pete to not go out with Gwen, he totally keeps on with the sweet loving of Gwen.

I liken this movie to ‘Batman Begins’, and while that is saying a lot (Everyone knows I love the Holy Hell out of Batman), it does make a lot of sense. Both are building up to what is going to be the better sequel. That isn’t to say that they are bad, but that the next one is better. This movie had a lot going against it. It’s a reboot of a fairly new title, it was expensive, the Broadway Spider-Man sucked the largest of balls, and most importantly, people love the old Spider-Man. We grew up on that series, and for a lot of us, they are near and dear to our hearts. That is why, I believe, there is a lot of hate out there for this movie, so all I ask is that you go see it. Personally, I think it is better than the first Spider-Man movie. Better than ‘Spider-Man 2’? No, but that was a really great movie, but I do think that it was better than the first one. Andrew Garfield is, in my opinion, a much better Peter Parker than Tobey was. He is witty, geeky, and charming. He reminds me of the comic book Spidey, and that is very important. Emma Stone was great as Gwen Stacy, but I do wish that they gave her a little more screen time. I feel like they gave the old Mary Jane a shit-ton of time in the last ones, and frankly, I dont like her a lot. Emma Stone was great, as usual, and I am one of the people that like that they went with Gwen Stacy and not Mary Jane. You know why? ‘Batman Begins’, thats why. Introduce the love interest and kill them off in the next movie. and Rhys Ifans even had the same basic plan that Scarecrow had. Not saying that he was bad in it, no Rhys Ifans played a great villain, but it did feel as if I was watching the Batman movie but painted over with red and blue. Dennis Leary as Chief Stacy was hilarious, though, and that is one thing ‘Batman Begins’ didnt have. He had me rolling basically every time he was talking. The special effects are good looking, but not amazing (see what I did there), and the first-person parts are either love-it-or-leave-it. I wasnt big on them, but I do think that little kids love it, and that is what’s important. And damn do kids love this movie, it was sold out when I saw it. The dialogue is well-written and the acting is actually very, very solid for a comic book movie. I felt as if some scenes dragged their asses, but it happens. Marc Webb, the director, did a good job, which i did expect, since he made ‘500 Days of Summer’, a movie that I enjoy a great deal (yeah, I know, it’s “hipsterish”, but fuck you, I like it). I do think that he used ‘Batman Begins’ as a plan, though. Its a good plan, and I do hope it works out for him and the new franchise, because it has failed before *cough cough Green Lantern*, but for this movie, I do believe it worked, and the box office numbers agree with me.


Oh, last thing. I wish they would have kept the organic web shooters. Just made more sense.

Pros
+The acting is very solid
+Feels like the comic books
+Separates itself from the old franchise
 +Special Effects are good, if a little tacky at times

Cons
-A little long-winded at times
-The middle drags its ass

Alrighty, True Believers, I give ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ 8 Dead Gwen Stacy’s (spoilers for the next movie) out of 10