Ok, so as of right now, there are 3 people reading this that I know of, and all 3 of them know that I love shitty, shitty, shitty movies. So, every once in a while, I am going to review a movie that is so bad its good. So, to kick off the ‘So Bad You Love It’ series, I am reviewing maybe the worst movie ever made. Yes, It beats such classics as “Manos: Hands of Fate”, “This Island Earth”, “Santa Saves the Martians” and even “The Room”. Ladies and Gentlemen (the gentleman in this instance is Todd), I bring you BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR So, to start this off, I want you to clear your mind. Really. Close your eyes for about 10 seconds, breathe deep, and clear your mind. You back? Awesome. Did you skip that exercise? Fuck you, go back and do it. Now are you back? Great. That darkness that you just went to is from Birdemic. Birdemic is the reason God doesnt talk to us anymore. Birdemic caused 9/11. From the boiling seas will rise Leviathan, Cthulhu, and Birdemic, and they will lay waste to the cities of Man. There is nothing worse than Birdemic, and there never will be. Do you understand? It is the lowest low of humanity. And with that, you need to go watch it immediately. Buy it, torrent it, borrow it, I dont care. You have to see this thing. It is my new religion. Picture Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, but with none of the drama, skill, or horror BUT WITH MOTHERFUCKING MACHINE GUNS, BIRDS THAT SOMEHOW SPIT ACID, AND DRIVING SCENES THAT WILL MAKE YOU QUESTION YOUR SANITY. Honestly, the goddamn driving scenes in this movie are beyond what the human mind can handle. Just so you know, it opens with 4:22 minutes of driving, like its the goddamn Shining. That is how this abortion of a movie starts. It’s a taunt. This movie starts with a test to weed out the weak. DO NOT FALL FOR IT’S TRICKERY. During this time, you may want to switch the movie (which is now on Netflix Instant Watch, so do yourself the favor now) off, but once you hit the diner scene, it sinks it’s hooks into you. This is the first time you see the main character, who I am 100% convinced is either a cyborg sent from the future to kill Sarah and John Carter or a psychopath, interact with people. This is also the first scene that you see the editing and sound in. Ok, I cannot stress enough just how bad the editing and the sound cutting is in this movie. It is nonexistent. This realization will hit you when the waitress in this scene yells, and yells is kind, at the camera. I could spend the remainder of this review on the sound simply not making any sense, so from now on, just know that it is tomfoolery. And HOLY SHIT the kissing noises. When you are watching it, focus in on the kissing noises. It is out of this goddamn world. Days of ADR went into those noises. All of the budget went into them, because just the wet, sloshing sounds that come out their stupid fucking faces…Jesus… Yeah, the overall quality of this movie is that of a home video shot in the 70’s. And is this movie taking place in real time?! There is a scene where the main guy stares at a gas station sign FOR 30 SECONDS! I cant handle this movie! THERE ARE 3 GETTING GAS SCENES. 3. THREE FUCKING GETTING GAS SCENES. Ok, anyway, back to the synopsis, Rod, yes main characters name is Rod, basically stalks and hunts his…love interest? I dont know if he loves her or wants to kill her because, and this is not an overstatement at all, he is the worst actor ever. Youtube this movie, listen to him, and realize that I am right. Horrible. If this movie was not named BIRDEMIC, I would swear that this was an American Psycho-esque movie. And why it is named BIRDEMIC is beyond me. 47 minutes. That is how long this movie runs with out any GOD DAMN FUCKING BIRDS. HALF THE MOVIE. The first half of the movie could easily be one severely retarded, and I literally mean mentally ill, man’s pursuit of an attractive lady so he could eventually kill her and wear her skin as a suit. This whole movie feels like it was written in Russian, then translated poorly using an iPhone app. Ok, sidetracked again. Rod is hunting Natalie, his love interest. He is a…software salesman? and she’s a model who is modeling at 1-hour photo, so my first thought is she is A: also severely retarded or B: some sort of hooker. The hooker theory is the one I went with because why else would she be interested in the main character? His charm? HA. His wit? HA. No, he gets rich later, hence hooker. And he gets rich by making a big sale, but he is in this abandoned office where NOBODY else is, so I honestly thought that he was talking on a disconnected phone. He SAYS that he made a million dollar sale, but I am not sure of it. This whole thing feels like a dream. Oh, and Natalie, who is at the 1-Hour Photo gets a call to be a Victoria’s Secret Model, which must be some sort of kinky hooking job, because there is no way in hell that a Victoria’s Secret scout (scout? I dont know the terminology) saw her at the shithole she was working at. Then the main characters go on a date where her main duty was clearly not to be raped by the main guy. She looked like a hostage the entire time. And after each person talked, there is at least 2 seconds of silence. Holy. Fucking. Shit. And its not dialogue! It is needless explanation of EVERYTHING. And on the date, you see the birds for the first time. Do you remember Doom for the PC? You know, the old video game? That game had better graphics than this movie. The birds cant even be considered CGI. Go look them up right now. I cant even express what it looks like. They stay in one place, the sometimes dont flap their wings YOU CAN COUNT THE BITS IN THEM. AND THE DANCE CLUB! IT IS ALSO CGI! THEY ARE ON A GREENSCREEN FOR IT! Would it cost too much do film on location? Or did they just want the blurry colors in the background? AND THE MEETING BETWEEN NATALIE AND HER MOM. What is it with bad movies and brief conversations between parent and child? In ‘The Room’ the mom nonchalantly brings up cancer, but in this one, the mom totally flubs a line and tries again AND IT STAYED IN THE MOVIE. And staying with ‘The Room’ comparisons, random people in random…really weird… sex scene. This whole movie is just so weird, its like an acid nightmare. When Rod’s company is bought for, hold your breathe, one billion dollars, they clap their hands for like 3 minutes. It is nothing short of mind blowing. I cant even make fun of it. Its beyond making fun of.
Ok, I have to skip ahead past the unbearable sex scene, the ridiculous song (yes, someone sings), and an unlistenable beach scene because at some point we have to talk about the birds. 47 minutes in, out of fucking nowhere, the birds show up. Jesus, I don’t know where to start with this. Ok, um, they make airplane noises, so that’s beyond the grasps of my mind. They look like they popped out of an N64 game, so that’s fun, and the noise they make literally make me want to kill myself. Guys, they are dive-bombing things, exploding like they are filled with gas, and like 3 seconds later, a pillar of smoke appears where they hit. Not smoke rising from where they hit, no, that would make logical sense. There is just a pillar automatically. Holy bananas. They don’t even flap their wings! They just hover! And, up to this point, everyone has been inside. Nobody has been outside this whole time. AND NOW EVERYONE REFUSES TO GO INSIDE. AND THEY USE CLOTHESHANGERS AS WEAPONS. THIS MOVIE IS A WEAPON AGAINST THE HUMAN CONDITION. As soon as the birds come, the main characters run into people we have never met before, and for some reason, this guy has automatic weapons in his rapevan. I think my favorite part, though, is when they are on the side of the road saving some kids, who are by far the best actors in this whole thing, people are just driving down the road. I laughed for 8 solid minutes.
Guys, you have to see this movie. Nothing in this is good, but everything is just perfect. I love this movie.
+ The entertainment value is higher than anything made before or since
+ It is the worst movie ever, and seeing it makes you a champion
-NONE. SEE THIS.
Since this is is a So Bad You Love it, I am rating these on a ‘Shit painted Gold’ Scale, and this gets the coveted 10 out 10 Shits.