Posts tagged Movie Reviews

Alright, so by now, you have heard about Seth MacFarlane’s movie ‘Ted’ and how it’s the funniest movie ever made, it kick’s ‘The Hangover’s ass, and it cured cancer. Well, I’m not here to rain on everyone’s parade, it’s actually pretty damn good. But it isn’t the funniest movie ever.

Ok, so first things first, I have decided that I am going to take weekends off writing this thing. Todd is clearly outwriting me, and I dont have the skill or the time…or the want, really, to catch up with him, so fuck it. Secondly, I formally welcome Andy to our little group, and you can follow him at http://gameandamovie.tumblr.com/. Do it, he’s good. 

Anyway, back to the review. Again, short synopsis, Boston-kid Marky Mark has no friends (he doesnt even get to participate in the annual “Beating of the Neighborhood Jewish Kid”, a bit that made me laugh way too loud), so he wishes on a star for his new teddy bear to come alive and he his friend. Well, a miracle happens and the teddy bear becomes alive (another bit, Marky Mark’s dad yells “JESUS H FUCK” and me and my brother did that thing where you laugh, then look at the other person, and laugh louder). Well, after a few years of stardom, Ted and Marky Mark kind of just slip out of the spotlight. Now, instead of fame and fortune, Marky Mark works for a shitty car rental place and Ted smokes weed (which how does that work? you also see him eating at one point, but later you see his insides and there are no organs WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT?!). It all would be ok, but Marky Mark has a girlfriend, played by that one girl from ‘That 70’s Show’, and she is all on Marky Mark’s balls about actually growing up. Oh, and shes getting hit on by Joel McHale, and frankly, I’ll watch anything with him in it, so good job Seth MacFarlane. Ted and Marky Mark split up, there are issues with Marky Mark and 70’s Show girl about something, a whole lot of storyline is about ‘Flash Gordon’ which is a really shitty movie, Ted gets bearnapped, blah blah blah you get it.

Ok, so I gotta say, overall, it was a fun movie. The jokes are pretty solid throughout, although I do think Seth MacFarlane spent WAY too much time on the whole ‘Flash Gordon is a shitty movie’ thing. Like 1/4th of the movie was about that, and I thought it was just weird. Like, I get the reference, but I am a huge movie nerd. My brother didnt know what the fuck was going on, and frankly, that isnt his fault. People still laughed, but it was that strained laughter, the laughter of someone not quite in on the joke. Now, that is just bitching about one part. Most jokes landed, and the theater I was in was filled with laughter most of the movie. There are some of the ‘Family Guy’ cutaway gags, but I thought that they all worked well. They may be kind of overused in the show, but they are never used in movies, so it felt like a new joke. And, by the way, if you like ‘Family Guy’, just see the movie. I am not the biggest fan, and I thought the movie was good, but people who like the show are going apeshit over it. And there are comparisons to be made. The cutaways, dick and fart jokes, Seth MacFarlane using the ‘Peter Griffin’ voice for Ted, a few of the voices from the show show up, and just random gags and jokes that feel very Family Guy-ish. Like, there is a cameo from a famous actor for no apparent reason. Its funny, and it sold well to the theater I was in, but there was no real reason for him to be there, other than the joke, and that really is the defining sentence for this movie. Everything is a joke. There is a story, but it is pretty generic and is really only used for more jokes, which isnt a bad thing. Oh, and Ted looked great. There is no point where you can notice that he is a 100% special effect. Honestly, he looks great throughout.

‘Ted’ is basically a long ‘Family Guy’ episode, which is great or just good, depending on how you feel about the show. I enjoyed it a lot, and while not perfect, it is the writer and director’s first movie, so let’s hope he only gets better. Is ‘Ted’ better than ‘The Hangover’? No, I dont think so, but it is close, and that counts for something. 

Pros
+Marky Mark plays a dumb guy, and that’s always funny
+Cutaway gags, while old on TV, are new in this medium, and they play well
+Jokes are a huge hit 9/10 times
+The special effects are great. They are so subtle you can actually imagine Ted being real
+Joel McHale

Cons
-The whole ‘Flash Gordon’ joke. If you are going to pick a shitty movie to make fun of for a good chunk of your movie, make it one everyone knows.
- Does feel like it was a ‘Family Guy’ script that was fleshed out more

I’m going to give ‘Ted’ a solid 8 Terrifying Dancing Dads out of 10 

Bobcat Goldthwait is very good at creating different movies. Of this, I am a big fan. And I know that this sounds like a bullshit way to start a movie review, but I wanted you to know that I am kinda of biased on this guy. He is a funny comedian and a better director and filmmaker. If you have not seen ‘World’s Greatest Dad’, stop here and go watch it. It’s on Netflix streaming, so please go watch it. It’s not the best movie, but it is very, very good and very, very different (I would give it an 8 or 9 out of 10 Masturbating Sons).  That said, ‘God Bless America’ is a very different movie. The whole time I was watching it, all I could compare it to was ‘Natural Born Killers’, another movie well worth your time. That said, it isn’t as well-written or deep as ‘Natural Born Killers’, nor is it as gory as ‘Hobo with a Shotgun’, the other movie I compared it too in my mind. No, it isn’t as “good” as those movies, but it is worth watching.
            The movie starts off with the main character, Frank, dreaming about killing his next-door neighbors and their loud baby. That is how it starts. You see him shoot the baby. This is a wake-up call, and it certainly brings you into the movie, but it also rebelled me. Not because it was offensive, but because it was trying so hard to be offensive. That is the over-arching motif in the whole movie: trying to be angsty and violent and offensive, and if you are ignorant, you will find it to be offensive, but more on that later. Frank watches hours of television and finds that it is all horrible reality shows and other things that demean human existence. One large storyline is about an American Idol-esque show that Frank watches in horror as a young, seemingly mentally handicapped man gets brutally made fun of. He also sees a ‘Super Sweet 16’ type show where the girl is just an awful human being. As the shows go on, he gets a migraine (Chekhov’s Migraine).  He goes to work where everyone is also awful, gets fired for flirting with a woman who was flirting with him, goes to the hospital, and he finds out he has brain cancer. He almost kills himself when he realizes that he could be killing all the awful people instead. On his mission to eradicate the scum off the planet, he meets Roxie, a girl who wants to tag along, and possibly kill a few assholes on the way.
            That is all synopsis I am going to give you. 2 reasons for that. The first being I actually want you to watch this movie, and the second being I don’t want to ruin it…or actually write it all out. That Birdemic review took forever.  What I want to talk about is the actual film. Guys, this movie is probably going to get a lot of heat, and before it does, I want to call why. This movie is violent. That’s about it. A man and girl go on a killing spree, that’s the whole movie. Bobcat wanted to have a deeper meaning behind it, and believe me, that gets told to you very heavy-handedly in the last few minutes, but all in all, this movie is about killing annoying people, which I get. I laughed in this movie, quite a lot actually. When they kill the Westburo Baptists, I laughed for like 10 minutes (also, have fun with that lawsuit, they sue the balls of people). Everyone has had those murder fantasies…mine mainly about the Westburo people, but that is beyond the point. It is written from the perspective of an older man who thinks that America has gone to shit, and that is an understandable viewpoint. This is his outlet of venting his rage, and in his rage-venting, he made a perfectly watchable movie. The acting is actually quite good, with the main characters being virtually unknowns. The script, while a little heavy-handed, is not awful. I did think that it making fun of movies like ‘Juno’ was a little odd, as Roxie certainly fits that stereotype, talking like her and being all quirky and shit. The special effects were all decent. All in all, worth your time.
            What I am expecting, however, is a shit-storm. Unfortunately, I think that we will see this movie pointed to when some dick teenager decides to imitate it. It happens every few years with either a book or movie or band, and this has that feeling all over it. It speaks to that primal, dipshit part of the brain. And it is just offensive enough for parents to go fucking nuts over. There are shootouts, cursing, and they kill a guy who is obviously Glenn Beck and then attack American Idol. This has soccer moms going piss-crazy all over it, and that bums me out.
            Is this movie as good as Bobcat’s other films? No. But he has set himself up for that I guess, and at least he went for it. This movie is different, and while it is not as personal as his last effort, it is definitely worth seeing.

Pros
+The acting is actually very solid
+The script is original

+It feels damn good to see someone shoot fucking ignorant people.

Cons
-Heavy handed
-There is a sort of empty feeling to it in some parts
-Will probably be found in a mass-killer’s bedroom

I enjoy this movie, and while it is not perfect, it is worth seeing. I give “God Bless America’ 7 murdered bitches out of 10

Ok, so as of right now, there are 3 people reading this that I know of, and all 3 of them know that I love shitty, shitty, shitty movies. So, every once in a while, I am going to review a movie that is so bad its good. So, to kick off the ‘So Bad You Love It’ series, I am reviewing maybe the worst movie ever made. Yes, It beats such classics as “Manos: Hands of Fate”, “This Island Earth”, “Santa Saves the Martians” and even “The Room”.  Ladies and Gentlemen (the gentleman in this instance is Todd), I bring you

BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR

So, to start this off, I want you to clear your mind. Really. Close your eyes for about 10 seconds, breathe deep, and clear your mind. You back? Awesome. Did you skip that exercise?  Fuck you, go back and do it. Now are you back? Great. That darkness that you just went to is from Birdemic. Birdemic is the reason God doesnt talk to us anymore. Birdemic caused 9/11. From the boiling seas will rise Leviathan, Cthulhu, and Birdemic, and they will lay waste to the cities of Man. There is nothing worse than Birdemic, and there never will be. Do you understand? It is the lowest low of humanity. And with that, you need to go watch it immediately. Buy it, torrent it, borrow it, I dont care. You have to see this thing. It is my new religion. 

Picture Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, but with none of the drama, skill, or horror BUT WITH MOTHERFUCKING MACHINE GUNS, BIRDS THAT SOMEHOW SPIT ACID, AND DRIVING SCENES THAT WILL MAKE YOU QUESTION YOUR SANITY. Honestly, the goddamn driving scenes in this movie are beyond what the human mind can handle. Just so you know, it opens with 4:22 minutes of driving, like its the goddamn Shining. That is how this abortion of a movie starts. It’s a taunt. This movie starts with a test to weed out the weak. DO NOT FALL FOR IT’S TRICKERY. During this time, you may want to switch the movie (which is now on Netflix Instant Watch, so do yourself the favor now) off, but once you hit the diner scene, it sinks it’s hooks into you. This is the first time you see the main character, who I am 100% convinced is either a cyborg sent from the future to kill Sarah and John Carter or a psychopath, interact with people. This is also the first scene that you see the editing and sound in. Ok, I cannot stress enough just how bad the editing and the sound cutting is in this movie. It is nonexistent. This realization will hit you when the waitress in this scene yells, and yells is kind, at the camera. I could spend the remainder of this review on the sound simply not making any sense, so from now on, just know that it is tomfoolery. And HOLY SHIT the kissing noises. When you are watching it, focus in on the kissing noises. It is out of this goddamn world. Days of ADR went into those noises. All of the budget went into them, because just the wet, sloshing sounds that come out their stupid fucking faces…Jesus… Yeah, the overall quality of this movie is that of a home video shot in the 70’s. And is this movie taking place in real time?! There is a scene where the main guy stares at a gas station sign FOR 30 SECONDS! I cant handle this movie! THERE ARE 3 GETTING GAS SCENES. 3. THREE FUCKING GETTING GAS SCENES. Ok, anyway, back to the synopsis, Rod, yes main characters name is Rod, basically stalks and hunts his…love interest? I dont know if he loves her or wants to kill her because, and this is not an overstatement at all, he is the worst actor ever. Youtube this movie, listen to him, and realize that I am right. Horrible. If this movie was not named BIRDEMIC, I would swear that this was an American Psycho-esque movie. And why it is named BIRDEMIC is beyond me. 47 minutes. That is how long this movie runs with out any GOD DAMN FUCKING BIRDS. HALF THE MOVIE. The first half of the movie could easily be one severely retarded, and I literally mean mentally ill, man’s pursuit of an attractive lady so he could eventually kill her and wear her skin as a suit. This whole movie feels like it was written in Russian, then translated poorly using an iPhone app. 

Ok, sidetracked again. Rod is hunting Natalie, his love interest. He is a…software salesman? and she’s a model who is modeling at 1-hour photo, so my first thought is she is A: also severely retarded or B: some sort of hooker. The hooker theory is the one I went with because why else would she be interested in the main character? His charm? HA. His wit? HA. No, he gets rich later, hence hooker. And he gets rich by making a big sale, but he is in this abandoned office where NOBODY else is, so I honestly thought that he was talking on a disconnected phone. He SAYS that he made a million dollar sale, but I am not sure of it. This whole thing feels like a dream. Oh, and Natalie, who is at the 1-Hour Photo gets a call to be a Victoria’s Secret Model, which must be some sort of kinky hooking job, because there is no way in hell that a Victoria’s Secret scout (scout? I dont know the terminology) saw her at the shithole she was working at.  Then the main characters go on a date where her main duty was clearly not to be raped by the main guy. She looked like a hostage the entire time. And after each person talked, there is at least 2 seconds of silence. Holy. Fucking. Shit. And its not dialogue! It is needless explanation of EVERYTHING. And on the date, you see the birds for the first time. 

Do you remember Doom for the PC? You know, the old video game? That game had better graphics than this movie. The birds cant even be considered CGI. Go look them up right now. I cant even express what it looks like. They stay in one place, the sometimes dont flap their wings YOU CAN COUNT THE BITS IN THEM. AND THE DANCE CLUB! IT IS ALSO CGI! THEY ARE ON A GREENSCREEN FOR IT! Would it cost too much do film on location? Or did they just want the blurry colors in the background? AND THE MEETING BETWEEN NATALIE AND HER MOM. What is it with bad movies and brief conversations between parent and child? In ‘The Room’ the mom nonchalantly brings up cancer, but in this one, the mom totally flubs a line and tries again AND IT STAYED IN THE MOVIE. And staying with ‘The Room’ comparisons, random people in random…really weird… sex scene.  This whole movie is just so weird, its like an acid nightmare. When Rod’s company is bought for, hold your breathe, one billion dollars, they clap their hands for like 3 minutes. It is nothing short of mind blowing. I cant even make fun of it. Its beyond making fun of.

Ok, I have to skip ahead past the unbearable sex scene, the ridiculous song (yes, someone sings), and an unlistenable beach scene because at some point we have to talk about the birds. 47 minutes in, out of fucking nowhere, the birds show up. Jesus, I don’t know where to start with this. Ok, um, they make airplane noises, so that’s beyond the grasps of my mind. They look like they popped out of an N64 game, so that’s fun, and the noise they make literally make me want to kill myself. Guys, they are dive-bombing things, exploding like they are filled with gas, and like 3 seconds later, a pillar of smoke appears where they hit. Not smoke rising from where they hit, no, that would make logical sense. There is just a pillar automatically. Holy bananas. They don’t even flap their wings! They just hover! And, up to this point, everyone has been inside. Nobody has been outside this whole time. AND NOW EVERYONE REFUSES TO GO INSIDE. AND THEY USE CLOTHESHANGERS AS WEAPONS. THIS MOVIE IS A WEAPON AGAINST THE HUMAN CONDITION. As soon as the birds come, the main characters run into people we have never met before, and for some reason, this guy has automatic weapons in his rapevan. I think my favorite part, though, is when they are on the side of the road saving some kids, who are by far the best actors in this whole thing, people are just driving down the road. I laughed for 8 solid minutes.

Guys, you have to see this movie. Nothing in this is good, but everything is just perfect. I love this movie.

Pros
+ The entertainment value is higher than anything made before or since
+ It is the worst movie ever, and seeing it makes you a champion

Cons
-NONE. SEE THIS.

Since this is is a So Bad You Love it, I am rating these on a ‘Shit painted Gold’ Scale, and this gets the coveted 10 out 10 Shits. 

 Alright, so it has been a few weeks since I saw this movie, so we are kind of playing this game a little sketchy right off the bat, but screw it, this isn’t for a grade and frankly, I think that I am writing this review the same way Ridley Scott wrote the screenplay.  Listen, I like Mr. Scott. The old bastard made Blade Runner (sweet), Alien (sweet), Gladiator (sweet), and a bunch of other movies that were good but ultimately forgettable (here’s looking at you, American Gangster).  He has a pretty solid batting average (oh shit, sports references), and he can craft a memorable story, so I went into Prometheus with pretty high hopes.  The trailers have been pretty spoilerific on this one, which is a bummer, but I can understand it.  You aren’t gonna get a lot of asses in the seats with “This movie questions your faith in God”, but will get them with “HEY LOOK, DUMBASS, SPACE-ZOMBIES”. So, going into it, I already knew that 
A: There is a space crew, made up of character tropes (oh look, nerdy scientists, smart-ass black guy, tough Irish guy, and many more!) and they are looking for the big elephant-looking aliens from Alien, because they…made us? They were gods? Whatever SPACE ZOMBIES!
B: Michael Fassbender’s penis plays David, an android that, even though we all know he’s a bad guy, proceeds to show us that he’s the bad guy in the trailer.
C: Is that Guy Richie in really shitty Old Man make-up?
D: ZOOOOOOOMBIE IN SPAAAAAAACE
E: Everything goes to shit because science.
F…Ok, do you get the point? They basically ruined the movie with a combo of trailers, online spoilers, and interviews.  Den Of Geek, a British geek news site totally worth your attention, reported that something like 45% of this movie was available to the general public before the show ever hit theaters. BAD FUCKING MOVE, PEOPLE IN CHARGE.

Ok, so anyway, back to the actual movie.  Listen, I wanted to like this movie more than I did.  It’s kinda sorta a prequel to Alien, Fassbender is in it, Charlize Theron is in it for about 3 minutes. It has a lot going for it, but man…It just didnt feel like Ridley Scott knew what was going on.  I like a little ambiguity in a movie. Let me figure stuff out, it’s cool, you dont have to hold my hand the entire time, but Mr. Scott just took us out behind the shed, made us look into the field at the pretty rabbits, and shot us right in the damn head with ambiguity.  Nothing gets answered in this movie. NOTHING.  Like, *and note, this is where the real spoilers start* the beginning shows one of the Engineers (their word for the giant, human aliens) just kinda killing himself in a river. Cool, it looks nice, but…what does it mean?  It is never, ever, mentioned again. That’s how IT OPENS, WITH A SCENE THAT MEANS NOTHING. And I know some people are like “it stands for sacrifice for life”, but that is never even implied! And from that point out, the whole movie is about a group of scientists making all the wrong choices. No right choices were made in this film. Get to alien planet, find alien building, decide to go inside. So far, not the best decisions, but they are bad decisions made FOR SCIENCE so it’s acceptable.  After that, it is just bullshit.  Splitting up in the giant alien building, leaving people OVER NIGHT in alien building, TAKING LIVING SHIT BACK ON THE FUCKING SHIP, REANIMATING IT, and teaching the android to infect people for shits and giggles with alien-zombie poison…that makes women pregnant with alien baby? 

The movie has a good heart, it truly does, and that’s what is going to help it with a better score, but man, someone should have helped the writer actually write something.  We get told that there are big questions and that they have answers…but no questions get answered. I literally left the theater asking random people “but…why? why did….what?” The characters just seem like they want to die, or at least want other people to die. And some of the questions are just bullshit. Like, Charlize Theron’s character (who might be an android? I dont know…) has a safe-house thing in the ship. It has everything you might need, like food, water…chandeliers…and rugs and paintings…wait…what? And in this safehouse, there is a machine that can mind ANY injury BUT IT DOESNT WORK ON WOMEN. WHAT? It’s things like that I dont understand, just random things that dont mean anything. They are in space looking for aliens, we dont need useless plot devices.

Ok, so the story is a convoluted mess, but there are some good parts. Michael Fassbender is great, as he is in everything. He really steals the show, and it is ultimately him and the graphics that make this thing watchable.  The movie is just fucking gorgeous.  Like, I didnt like Avatar, but it was pretty. This is, in my opinion, just as good-looking as that.  

So, in conclusion
Pros: Fassbender and Graphics
Cons: Story that doesnt understand that being confusing doesnt make it edgy or cool, it makes it confusing.

I’ll give it a 6.5 Creepy Fassbender’s out of 10